there's poison in my drinking glass [entries|friends|calendar] arsenicsweetz [ website | Silent Screamz ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

dayum [04 Sep 2007|05:01am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Broken - Lindsey Haun ] dun dun dun Wow! I really slack on this thing !!! ¤Got my eyebrow ring back.. where I had taken it out. Diane's boyfriend redid it for me ¤got my dragon tattoo finally. On topside of right forearm ¤ A butterfly and flower on topside of left forearm (kinda regret it) ¤ Rose tattoo on chest ¤ Chinese lettering on kinda underside of right forearm: Blade, Hemp, Love, Heal ¤ My Grandpa Beitzel died May 14th. So Jesse gave me a cross on left ankle ¤ A lizard on my back between shoulder blades ¤ Fair week and Beitzel reunion sucked without Shane ¤ Jesse left August 5th to go to truck driving school. He should be home for a little bit by the end of this month. Then I may not see him until end of December. I should be able to go with him at that time. ¤ I fuckin miss him! ¤ And I absolutely fucking love him !!!! ¤ o.0 oh yea I mentioned condoms in the last entry (no I havent lost my mind, there's a locked post between February's post and this one) ... we never exactly followed through with that lol. Still goin all natural =x Gahh... what else... ¤ Jesse and i have been talking about marriage again ^_^ !!! That always makes me happy when he brings it up.  ¤ I got a little kitten, named her Jinxie. Kelli gave her to me, she's Slinky's only girl, and she looks just like Slink. SO she's freakin adorable-Duh!! I can't think of anything else, so I'm outtie! Muah!   ~ talk to meh!

It's not a lie if u believe it [02 Feb 2007|04:11pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | radiooo ] Hmm.. Havent been here in forever, so here we go. * still have eyebrow pierced, I change it like crazy * hair is abou chin length * got star outline tattoos on each wrist, black with pink inside Sept 30 * got tongue pierced Oct 27th * got  a boyfriend on Oct 29th * he gave me a another star outline on left hand between thumb & index finger * got nose pierced on Dec 16th * got tribal sun on left forearm on Dec 28th or so, courtesy of Jesse again * Jesse gave me another tattoo on Jan 13th. A cross with my cousin's initials in it. ** And that brings me to the worst. I lost my cousin that morning. A good friend of mine. He is missed dearly. ___ I'm pretty much living with my boyfriend in PA. And things are good. =) ~ talk to meh!

la de da de da [23 Jul 2006|12:16am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Beautiful Love - Hinder ] I love my eyebrow ring... parents didnt freak, I was actually really surprised me and Dave went to a movie... but that ends there, I dunno what to do with the guy, I dunno how to reach him..im goin to a concert with him next month.. not gettin my hopes up bout anything tho im also a full timer at work.. it's not so bad.. the money will help me move out tho, for sure laterz ~ talk to meh!

hmm [07 Jul 2006|09:42pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Lips of an Angel - Hinder ] so Monday ish my bday and next week is also my last week as a part timer I guess ima become an assistant lead me and mom still argue lots -rolls eyes- ima get my eyebrow pierced monday ! i can't wait lol laterz ~ talk to meh!

wowz [17 May 2006|10:48pm] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | absolute silence ] March 31st eh... man thats forever ago I'm really tired right now There's so much I gotta do clean basement for party finish that damn slideshow right get ready for finals work 5 fuckin days a week (gets so0o0 old) get bitched at practically daily save money for that car/get the hell outta here Thats too much for meh Can't I jus relax and hang out with ppl and party like other 17 yr olds? Nuuuuu, you must be perfect, we let your brother go out and yada yada, but you must be our lil fucking robot that does every lil thing in this house or else you're jus lazy and disrespectful. ughhhhh ! I would like to flip out... Am I entitled to a flip out? lol man, I'd like to change this page, haven't been here much, but this layout is really old =P ~ talk to meh!

Eeeeeeeee!!! [31 Mar 2006|12:34am] [ mood | chipper ] I hung out my Kayla tonight...mann that just rocks! We sat in the pool hall parking lot and steamed up my back window..uh huh take that biotches Lol wouldnt u all like to know what happened hehehehe It was so much fun to talk to her again I rambled...babbled...and she laughed at me...it was like old times ! lmao I went on & on bout my 3 experiences with those guys lol, that was hilarious. Bah, how can I pick just one part It was ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL great cuz me and Kayla got to hang out again lol fuckin right, jus amazing. love love love it. Nite lol ~ talk to meh!

bleh [10 Mar 2006|02:19am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | kenny chesney ] wow, i've pretty much ignored this thing x.x i'm feeling upset again... the other day at work, Lori looked at me and was like "kimmiee, why ya lookin so down, ya starting to look like me around here, quit it" loll man, i just want him to talk to me, but when he does...im kinda cold toward him i guess. i don't know how to erase all these thoughts, all the bad times...i wanna go back to the good times. when i was blind. ignorance was truly bliss. and the other one....even before he got his gf he stopped talking to me...what's so wrong with asking for a hug? I'm not a person that likes to show those things...i'm not a person who likes to stereotype...but the very first time 'I ask' a guy for a hug, the calls stop...what's goin on? Sometimes i think i should turn to ana...jus as an experiment, see if i'd get attention then...see jus how shallow they really are, if it's my looks...or if it's something else thats turning everyone off from even talking to me. -wipes eyes- and this one...gah...maybe i shouldnt visit cuz it's gonna kill me if after i return home, the IMz are gone... part of me feels guilty for that, but on the other hand, i'm only trying to deal with the truth. i can't stop these fears...these thoughts... ~ talk to meh!

hmm [03 Mar 2006|12:13am] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | So I Thought - Flyleaf ] was talkin with Kola tonite lol, she cornered me when i was leaving and said..."im like you, my chin kinda wrinkles when im about to cry"..."you can't do serious talks either?"..."nah" and we stood outside for like 5-10 min lol im really bored with life i get up and go to school come home and watch TV or sleep, get nagged at for my room being messy jus cuz i didnt make my bed go to work for about 4 hrs come back home, watch tv or get online go to sleep Repeat and weekends, I never go anywhere..and if i do, chances are it's with the parents because my car's not trusted and yada yada. yanno what this is doin? This is gonna give me a fucking panic attack when I get my own car and they can't stop me and I 'do' get on that interstate in busyness, and when I try to travel to NC. I'll prolly jus end up taking a bus I'ono.... ah hell, July will prolly roll around and me still be here...no vacation, no visiting for me. Cuz I'm jus unlucky like that. bleh v.v ~ talk to meh!

weird dream [28 Feb 2006|01:45am] [ mood | curious ] [ music | You're Still The One - Shania Twain ] okay...this thing is kinda sad too lol, i woke up in tears i was diagnosed with some type of cancer, with only a short time to live. I refused treatment, cuz i figure that stuff is pretty expensive and i knew it would put my family in debt. my thoughts were: i'd rather die in the home i grew up in knowing my parents would still be living there afterwards than to go thru treatments and be cured or in remission and be homeless, unable to return to our house. well my parents were pretty shook up, but i was given the most leniency EVER. one of the first things I did was call Josh x.x and ask to meet up. we did & i didnt tell him any of the bad news. we fucked and i still wouldnt tell him what was goin on...like the next day he was trying to talk to me about it and i was just like "let it go..im not answering you...isnt that what u do with one-nighters? just do it and move on?" and it was either that night or the next, i wanted to be with him again but not for the same reason...so i had to tell lori what was up, to convince her to let Josh leave early. we got in my car and drove to the spot where we made out the second time (real life, not dreams)and sat in silence for a bit. He broke the silence "dont u have to call ur parents?" "no...i've pretty much been let off my leash....Josh?" "yeah?" "i know i told u not to ask any questions, so if u think it's unfair for me to ask'em then jus say so" "i wont...jus talk" "why are you doin this?" "....well u know i care about u, not to mention it was fun...and i guess i'm hoping that if i just go along with it, at some point you'll explain to me" "but why....why is the only guys that give me a chance are ones that are engaged, or ones that have to be drunk first?" "forget everyone else...quit letting that bring you down kimmie, you're fucking great and i've told you that a dozen times" i started to tear up and he reached over and unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled me to him and held me. just in silence for a while. "josh?" "hm?" "....show me the little things" "what do u mean?" i looked at him.. "u know i don't know anything...... show me the little things... small first love stuff. i know you don't love me and you never could..but u know i have these feelings for you and i can't stop them..." so we just did little things... like soft kisses and holdin hands and stuff like that. Tho at the end we did do it again. x.x like i said, woke up in tears hell maybe this is some hidden msg kinda thing... but if the msg is: i just want a chance with someone, do those lil things with...then i already knew that ! gah... -shakes head- nuuuu sleepin with josh, nu kimmie. he baddd lol ~ talk to meh!

dammit [26 Feb 2006|03:02pm] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | All Around Me - Flyleaf ] well i think i'm being avoided. never fails, the minute i decide to live a lil, step outside the box or whatever..the outcome is never good. so fuck it. and him... ugh..why does he have to be influenced in order for things to be good. well i guess they're not totally good cuz it's either not sincere or just lost of inhibitions, and i really think it's the former. so fuck that too i give up. i tried, for the last time.. and i'm very sick&tired of it all. ~ my hands float up above me and you whisper you love me ~ never will i be lucky enough for that ---------- Now I lay me down to sleep, this time the cut is way too deep, if I should die before I wake, I'm sorry to those whose hearts I break, if I awaken to carry on, I hope my life's changed to a better one, if this is to be my final day, don't cry as they carry me away, if I awaken still shedding tears, will you hold me close and calm my fears? if they put me in the cold, dark ground, don't worry because you didn't when I was around, if I awaken in a fit of rage, will you help me through this difficult stage? if I awken nevermore, will you love me as you never have before? Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I shall die before i wake I pray the Lord my soul to take. ~ talk to meh!

-yawn- [25 Feb 2006|01:23am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year - FallOutBoy ] ~~~~~~~~~~~ Take our tears and put'em on ice Cuz I swear I'd burn the city down to show you the light .... I'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it .... There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up And another around to help us bend your trust I've got a sunset in my veins And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie" I hope you sing along and you steal a line I need to keep you like this in my mind So give in or just give up ~~~~~~~~~~~ I likes that song. and "I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay" can so0o0o0 fit this place lmao..and "I swear I'd burn the city down to show you the light" is just really beautiful. I fell asleep at like 8:30 or something and just woke up a lil bit ago lol...and no1's online. my nails need redone, like bad....and I still gotta talk to my parents bout that one idea thingy... hmmm I gotta get started on my psych project SOON. oh well lol nite ~ talk to meh!

I just want to be me, instead of you [23 Feb 2006|06:17pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | silence ] Yep...parents said no. well mom said Yes right away, dad was hesitant, and then mom asked how he would get up here and I said I would look into buses like Steph said and mom was like "He's paying for it, not you" "I'll take care of it" and then both said No instantly. ~ talk to meh!

bleh [21 Feb 2006|01:37am] [ mood | moody ] [ music | radio & me typin ] if my parents say no, i dont think im goin to prom. Especially if mom finds a limo. cuz c'mon..it'll be Bridgette & Giz, Kara & JR, Nicki & Scott.....and who knows what other couple. No more oddball ! I'm serious, I'm sick of it..it only depresses me. ~ talk to meh!

....cant sleep.... [20 Feb 2006|02:29am] [ mood | pessimistic ] [ music | some country songs ] man, ima be so grumpy tomorrow lol talked to joe the other night and i told him how i was thinking about the difference between i-net guys and guys i talk to in person...he asked who wins -s-..i was like i-net guys of course..and that's what bugs me, and he didnt understand. i told him i can't even keep a guy in my life around here even as a friend, and then there's all these guys online telling me I'm pretty, sexy..that I'm awesome. And look at where I am here... And Joe said "cuz u r. all those guys are rednecks fuck them" lol I wish it was that easy, but this is all i've got. If I do move away, like far away..and I find some of those guys in person, me not growing up with it, not knowing it..I'm gonna freak out I know it. I'm gonna end up running from every guy that starts to crush on me. Because I'm so fucking torn into pieces. I'm so0 lonely...yet I'm scared to get into a relationship. Especially with someone that's already a friend cuz that friendship will be ruined, I know this cuz my first relationship will not last. It can't. I refuse to stick with the first guy that gives me a chance. How would I know that I love him, without knowing all the other tastes out there, like lust & just taking what I get, etc... I wouldnt be able to say I love you and mean it. And then again I'm afraid to even get out there, I'm so tired of the disappointments now with the friend failures, I know they're gonna be stronger when I actually like-like him. But I know I need the experience. And what if the first guy does end up being the one for me, but I break him so badly when I decide to leave to check other things out, that he doesn't come back to me. And I know to some extent this could be taken as me planning on becoming a whore..and that's just not it. Right now I don't give a shit about sex, I'm not looking for that. I mean, it'll happen at some point & then 'maybe' I won't look down on it so much...but god dammit I just want a chance with someone. I want all the cute-sy lil things that teenagers are known for. But damn I only got a yr & half left of my teen years...and then is it over? I could be wrong, but I don't see all the lil things happening in the 20z. A lot of people are looking for seriousness & committment around those yrs (maybe not early 20z, but u get the just)..and I'm just gonna be a baby, I'm just gonna be starting out. I'm not gonna be able to go to a club and start dancing with a guy (lame example for someone who doesnt like to dance, but it works) and end up giving him more of an impression than I planned & just go home with him & fuck him, like u see on the movies and shit. I'm so behind and it drives me crazy. Maybe all the prom talk is what's upset me. I'm sick & tired of going to dances alone. Having to sit out on the slow dances. Gah...WTH do I do to you guys that makes me so bad? why am I such a bad friend to guys? v.v ======~=~=~=~=~=~========= silence is my way of crying for help... the scars on my arms are the result of not getting it she's a whimsical, tragic beauty self-conscious, & a lil bit moody You look at my dolled up face & see a happy, joyful, smart, wonderful girl ..but look in my eyes & in lies the tortured, tormented, sad me. Not what you'd expect. Hunneh, I'm just a good actress... v---diffy quotes thrown together, a couple made up, bout the guy Joe called a fag lol---v he pops in pills like candy & she cuts like a surgeon he got the best of her & he doesn't even care ..she thought he'd fix everything be the friend that stuck around she was only letdown yet again ~ talk to meh!

no1 hears my screamz [18 Feb 2006|07:57pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | silence ] maybe it's naive... but i can't help thinking that maybe if i had this one thing...maybe I'd wouldnt be so bad, i wouldn't be so far gone. I haven't totally decided on that thing yet, but I have a couple ideas. I've been slipping so much lately. I've started thinking about leaving everything again. Just fading away Every Saturday I'm miserable... is it because it's the first day of the week where I'm not out of the house at all... Is it just loneliness? -sighz- ~ talk to meh!

gah [15 Feb 2006|07:01pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Red Sam - Flyleaf ] Here I stand Empty hands Wishing my wrists were bleeding To stop the pain from the beatings There you stood Holding me Waiting for me to notice you But who are you You are the truth (you are the truth) Outscreaming these lies You are the truth (you are the truth) Saving my life The warmth of your embrace Melts my frostbitten spirit You speak the truth and I hear it The words are I love you And I have to believe in you But who are you You are the truth (you are the truth) Outscreaming these lies You are the truth (you are the truth) Saving my life My hands are open And you are filling them Hands in the air In the air, in the air, in the air And I worship And I worship And I worship And I worship You are the truth (you are the truth) Outscreaming these lies You are the truth (you are the truth) Saving my life ~ talk to meh!

that opens a whole other can of worms, kim [14 Feb 2006|11:37pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | me typing & the mouse clicking ] Anxious to see what happened bout the roses, with Tif & Matt lol So much running thru my head, ah hell when isn't there. Mainly about guys again. x.o Had fun at work this afternoon ^_~ Lots of fun... hmm... i'ono ~ talk to meh!

[14 Feb 2006|11:39am] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | nothin yet ] Happy V-Day ! lol Bridgette got me a rose... and I got Tif 3 or 4 (depends on Dan) Because ! I couldn't get Dan's locker open, and therefore couldnt put the rose in his locker..and I send him a txt msg saying to call me around 5 if he still wants it. If I dont get a phonecall, the rose will just go to Tif. Tho I hope he calls, we havent really sat down and talked in forever....hm ~ talk to meh!

hm [13 Feb 2006|07:51pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | Seize The Day - Avenged Sevenfold ] how bout the new layout? ...I think I'll get tired of it quickly lol I always do =P im feelin a lil better today, somewhat o.0 I dunno what I wanna do. I feel kinda on edge. I'ono...I hate these mood swings. Could I be bipolar? I thought that was just Happy->Sad...what about when I get angry, for no reason? lol I've been thinking about my life again.. Am I gonna be able to do all the things I wanna do? Why are our lives so tied down? How are we supposed to enjoy 'every' one? bah im done rambling thinking ~~~~~~ I found you here Now please just stay for a while ~ talk to meh!

bleh ! [10 Feb 2006|07:26pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | silence ] gahh feeling so low right now & I so0o0o wish I wasnt! I mean, I shouldn't be. v.v ! I shouldn't care , I know that. I just wanna stop these feelings. They shoulda never developed in the first place. And come on, I woulda never hooked up with him, I can't trust him, I knew it would never amount to anything, so why do i get jealous and hurt? Would these feelings stop with anti-depressants? im gonna go lay down ~ talk to meh!

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